When Participation Costs

Self Portrait with Teethe (Wearable Signal)

There are moments when I almost forget what my life asks of me. Only briefly—just enough to believe this time might be different. Maybe this time I’ll keep up. Maybe this time the structure will hold. Maybe this time, those inviting me in will truly understand when I say I need clarity, time, and room to work in the ways I must. Maybe this time I won’t have to spend my body just to prove I belong. I still want to believe this—maybe that’s part of the problem. I care deeply. I work hard because the work matters. It’s how I shape experience into something I can hold, instead of disappearing into it.

When I enter a space that says it wants me, I want to meet it. I want to rise to it. I want to believe my effort will be met by effort. Yet again, the same ending: I push until I can’t think clearly. I work until the last possible moment. I tell myself to hold on—then my body steps in with the truth. The truth is rarely graceful.

It looks like sleepless nights after decisions. Hours lost to worry. Finishing something meaningful while life crumbles—dishes, food, care, all deferred. From the outside, it doesn’t look like crisis. There was a before, and there’s an after. I live in the after. In this after, I create meaning but can’t always stand beside it. I work sincerely, but the final success moment slips away.

This is where shame tries to enter: “You did all this yet didn’t finish.” But I see now what’s asked isn’t neutral. It’s not just making work—it’s performing a seamless self, in systems ignoring my body and mind. I’ve explained. I’ve asked. Often, I get words of care—less often, real change. The expectations remain. The timelines remain. I adapt—until I can’t. Then comes the crash. Then comes the question: "What am I doing wrong?"

I’m starting to see the question is misdirected. This pattern isn’t just mine. It’s in spaces claiming inclusion yet failing difference; in cultures valuing output over sustainability; in systems that talk care while making people like me unwell. This is where my life becomes political—not an idea but lived. Participation isn’t neutral. I pay with energy, stability, recovery no one sees. I will no longer pretend that cost is invisible.

This article is in response to these mentorship programs All About Curating and Art Up Now.